Chinese Squat Toilets...

...are horrible. Holy crap, I once had to crap in a public one, and that was the worst bathroom experience of my life.

So, for the past month, I was in the wonderful land of Communist China, watching at least 79678932569 handicapped people roam the streets while smelling the pleasant smell of stinky tofu everywhere. I was cut off from the Internet, so that's why I wasn't on Southperry. (Screw you Takebacker for taking advantage of that D=).

Anyways, one pleasant day while shopping with my parents, I had the sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I tried to hold it in for at least an hour, but then it was inevitable- I had to go.

So I sprinted like a madman into the public bathroom, while praying for the fact the toilets would be nice and upright...bah. It looked just like



Crap. I had to do it. I pulled my pants down, and squatted.

So after a few grunts and groans, I heard a...

BOOM

Holy crap. I have no frigging clue why, but the first poop was exactly like a frigging shotgun. It was loud. It flew everywhere in the toilet. And, it was painful. Seriously, a shotgun is the best example of this first poop. I stared at my pants wildly, seeing if any crap got onto it. Luckily, it didn't. I continued on.

A few grunts and groans later, I almost facepalmed. Except, I was squatting, so I couldn't really facepalm.

I had diarrhea.

Oozing globs of crap spewed into the stupid squat toilet. Even though you may be laughing your butt off right now, back then, I was surely not laughing. After I finished the "second" poop, I immediately rolled out some toilet paper and wiped my butt.

For those of you who are familiar with this wonderful land, I was lucky some dude didn't steal the toilet paper for a souvenir.

Okay, as expected, the toilet paper was kind of...dirty. I chucked it in the squat toilet. Then, I got another toilet paper, and wiped again. Only this time...

The toilet paper got stuck right in my rear end.

I assure you this is 100% true.

I tried to use another toilet paper to get it out, but...it didn't work. I cursed.

"Pumpernickel." How ironic.

So, I had to force myself to poop that stupid piece of toilet paper out.

I think I managed it with the third poop, and like some melted vanilla and chocolate ice cream, it plopped right into the toilet.

Okay...by now, you guys are probably thinking that nothing else could go wrong. Nopeee. There was one thing that went terribly wrong.

My legs started to get tired.

...

My imagination started to think of the consequences. Falling in the poop, and smearing my rear with icky, smelly, and brown poop for the rest of the day...

Frightened, when I felt another poop coming out, I forced it back in. I must've wiped my rear end at least with fifty toilet papers after that, while praying to God that my legs would not give in.

Finally, it was over. It actually did take me a while to find the flusher, but I did it.

I went to crap my remaining poop an hour later in an UPRIGHT private toilet, thank god.